Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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