I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
