You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
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He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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