I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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