I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
