He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
