You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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