I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
