i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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