I wish I could teleport
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
