we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
