Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
