i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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