So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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