Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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