just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize