I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
