piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
