Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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