im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
