If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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