Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
