Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
