I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
