Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
