Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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