you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
