Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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