Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
