I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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