Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
