I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
