Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
