I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
