I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
