Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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