im drinking this country out of the recession.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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