porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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