i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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