We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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