I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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