matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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