The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
