1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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