Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
