This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
