My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
