Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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