My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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