Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
