She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
