My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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