Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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