I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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