Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
