allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
