i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
