just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
