so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
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you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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